EP 1- Shepards and Dragons

Tonight on The Heroes Helpline a reformed minion of an evil lord and a mapmaker that makes theoretical maps, help with an unusual dragon problem...

Music: Magic Tavern by Alexander Nakarada (https://www.creatorchords.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Medieval Library- https://tabletopaudio.com/

Glass tapping-  https://pixabay.com/users/freesound_community-46691455/

Bird Flapping- https://pixabay.com/users/freesound_community-46691455/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Whether you're pondering your orb or listening on your scrypad, it's time for a new episode of the Heroes Helpline. Live from the town hall of Hubhaven. Here is your new host. Wait, who who is this? This can't be right. I don't recognize this name. Just just say it, alright. Well, here is your host, Ronald the Randy Wizard.

SPEAKER_03 0:36

That's right, everyone. Welcome to the Heroes Helpline. I am your host, Ronald, the Randy Wizard. That's right, you may recognize me from the number two Scry Cast in the world, Allure Conversations. I am the new host of the Heroes Helpline, and I'm here to bring it into the new generation. Spice it up, mix things up, change things around. You know, get the younger kids in, as they say. Now, for those tuning into our Scrycast for the first time, the Heroes Helpline is a call-in show where callers call us with their problems, and our heroes, people that have lived their life, explored the world, have real experiences, they try to help those callers out in the best way we can. Now, our first guest tonight isn't a hero in a heroic sense. In fact, they might even have had a bit of a sketchy past. But that doesn't matter. We don't judge people here on the heroes helpline, at least. We try not to judge people. Sometimes it may happen. But I'd like to introduce our first guest, Skarti, the generally decent.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Hello, my name is Scarti. I'm here to help any adventurers who are having trouble on their adventuring day.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Now, is is is your name the generally decent, or is that just a title?

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Oh, that's um what did my wife call it? Rebranding.

SPEAKER_03 2:03

Oh, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Yes, I uh had a separate title before. I'm not using that anymore.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Oh, we don't have to share if we don't want to. I will say we legally are not allowed to share. Oh, well then, we won't go into that. Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 2:20

No, but do I have to? Is this part of the thing?

SPEAKER_03 2:24

I mean, if you want to share an experience, no, but uh that that's okay. Oh no, you don't have to. No, there's no pressure.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

No, no, I'll do it. Okay. Rah. My uh my neuromage says that I'm supposed to reach out. So yeah, I'm Scarti, the generally decent. I am from the north, like way up there, yeah. And uh I've uh been in and out of my share of employers, and most of those employers were of the uh capital E evil variety. So, you know, if we are in need there maybe of an adventurer who needs to wonder what is happening in this dungeon, or in that evil conquering army, or in that fascist dictatorship. I probably have beaten someone to death in the manner required of someone of my profession. Uh for people like that. So I I know what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_03 3:28

Right, right, you know. We won't get into the beating to death of people. But it's good, you know, a neuromage will really help you out in life, so if you're ever feeling down, go see a neuromage, everyone. Our other hero is Krindle Splots. Take it away, Krindle is the thing on. Krindle, you just have to talk.

SPEAKER_04 3:49

Hi, uh Krindle Splots. Professionally, I'm a dungeon cartographer. I specialize in topographical assumptions and emotionally intuitive layouts. I don't go into dungeons. Never have. Never will. Not since the tinfoil incident. Don't ask. I work from home. It's quieter here, mostly. Except when my neighbor's goat gets loose, that is a creature that has no regret for volume control. I enjoy arable tea, non-krinkly parchment, and sketching theoretical dungeon layouts. Based on rumors, tremor patterns, and what I call ambient dungeon energy.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

Interesting. Ambient dungeon energy. Yes. Have you ever been up north-north? Nope. Don't plan to. That's fair. I mean if uh That's fine. Scardies from there, it sounds pretty rough and tough.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Maybe you can answer it for me, uh, with your d ambient dungeon energy. Why is the latrine so far from the guard post every time? Can can you repeat that at a lower volume? Perhaps. I'm sorry I flew off the handle. My wife has just tugged on my braid to inform me that I am doing the thing. You can stop. Uh you know, I I will retract my statement for now.

SPEAKER_03 5:27

I agree, the shitter's way always too far away when you need one. I feel like the closer you get to one, the more you gotta go.

SPEAKER_04 5:33

A 600-foot walk. It's a peaceful one. Good for digestion. And introspection. You're well-hear that?

SPEAKER_03 5:40

There's like a tapping on a glass somewhere. Is that is that a pigeon trying to get in here? Do you see that out the window?

SPEAKER_04 5:48

Oh. Someone gonna let it in?

SPEAKER_03 5:52

Oh, it just crashed! I don't know, catch it! Catch it! Oh my god, here I'll use this bell.

SPEAKER_07 6:00

Um, I got it.

SPEAKER_03 6:05

There's there's some runestones. There's voice coming from here. Hello? Oh my goodness. Um, I'm gonna take I guess I'll just hold the pigeon. Uh here. Let me set the pigeon down. I'm gonna take the runestone. I'll put this in the scry pool so it'll be uh you all can hear better. Hello? Is someone on the other side?

SPEAKER_06 6:26

Is this thing on? I said my nephew said this might work.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

You sent a carrier pigeon. I'm surprised it even made it here, but yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:36

Where's here? Are you the police office?

SPEAKER_03 6:41

No, this is the hero's helpline.

SPEAKER_06 6:43

Well, this better be good then. You you young lad, you sound like you're doable.

SPEAKER_03 6:49

You gotta- Whoa, whoa. Uh what do you mean doable?

SPEAKER_06 6:52

Well, there's a dragon problem.

SPEAKER_03 6:55

Oh, I I don't do dragons.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Dragons. Dragons. I do dragons.

SPEAKER_03 7:01

Oh, you do dragons, okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Not anymore, not since I got married, but you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

I do their dungeon maps. You do their dungeon maps? Gotcha, gotcha. I tend to stay away from dragons. Who is this? Who are we speaking with?

SPEAKER_06 7:13

Oh, oh. My name is Merrill, and I have a big dragon problem.

SPEAKER_03 7:21

Well, what's what's your problem? We can try to help you. We have uh expertise, you know.

SPEAKER_06 7:27

Oh, I didn't expect that.

SPEAKER_03 7:30

Well, you've made it to the right place.

SPEAKER_06 7:33

Oh, thank goodness. I've been trying for about a month to reach someone do usable, actually. You s you see, I I live out here in the plains of despair, and there isn't many people around here to talk to. But but there is a dragon's nest that's usually far enough that he doesn't eat all my sheep. I I do with the sheep and such. But one day an adventuring party came by and they said they were gonna take out the dragon, so I gave them tea and such. Oh, you don't want to hear about that. The thing is, they they killed the dragon, and then he flew into my house.

SPEAKER_03 8:15

Wait, they killed the dragon, then he flew?

SPEAKER_06 8:17

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 8:19

How does that even work?

SPEAKER_06 8:21

Well, he was going, oh, and he kinda just fell down.

SPEAKER_03 8:26

Oh, he fell down. That that makes more sense.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

Um sure that was loud.

SPEAKER_06 8:30

But my house! My precious knitting!

SPEAKER_01 8:34

So you currently have, if I am envisioning this correctly, a large dragon carcass crushing your no doubt Pequod peasant house.

SPEAKER_06 8:47

Well, I guess that's one way of putting it. Oh, and I haven't seen Doris all day either.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Who is Doris?

SPEAKER_06 8:56

You know, I thought Doris, I just wandered off with the other sheep, but now that I've managed to cut them all together finally again, I haven't seen Doris.

SPEAKER_03 9:05

Uh, well, Meryl, maybe your sheep uh ran away? Did it go into the woods?

SPEAKER_06 9:12

Oh yeah, that's what I spent the past like week and a half doing is running after the sheep. My nephew was supposed to deal with this, but he got brighter ideas from those adventurers.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

Hopefully it wasn't doing dragons. Ugh, this is why you never send amateurs on dragon hunts. They always want to make the big names, and then they get eaten, and if they win, you know there's always a mess to be cleaned up after.

SPEAKER_04 9:41

Now, if you're asking me whether you should move back or relocate entirely, my instinct says run. Not because it's dangerous, no, it's probably safe now, but because there's a chance the dragon corpse could reanimate, explode, or gods forbid, attract a bard with an acoustic loot.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Yeah. That reminds me of the time I was working for very indithrax the ever-smelly. Yeah. Necromancer, you know, he liked to find dead dragons like yours. Actually, if you are thinking about the market in Necromancy, you might have an untapped money source now crushing your hovel.

SPEAKER_03 10:23

Well, if it was a dragon, there might be a horde nearby too that you could probably loot. If the adventurers didn't get there first, of course.

SPEAKER_06 10:31

Oh, I I did see them bringing they went back to the town and then they came with a cart, and I really thought they were gonna come help me, but then they left with the cart and it was full of these shiny things. I don't know what people need the shiny things for. I just need my knitting needles.

SPEAKER_04 10:50

Do you happen to have rune-based insurance?

SPEAKER_06 10:55

Insurance? Does that come from your necro hoo-ha you were just talking about?

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

Well, there first off, seems like we have a few problems here. You're missing a sheep, your house is crushed by a dragon. And the fact that you live in the plains of despair probably is also a problem as well, but we'll not deal with that one right now.

SPEAKER_06 11:14

I shall not remove from the plains of despair, for it is my home.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

Understandable. Well, why don't we think about this and take a quick break, and then we'll come back with some ideas. Yeah, just hang on. We'll I mean, your house isn't going anywhere, it's already crushed. Don't worry, it's not the fun kind of break.

SPEAKER_04 11:36

I'll go make myself some tea.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Hello. Have you been feeling less than fresh on the road to dungeon raiding victory? Uh Cleryx, are you having a crisis of faith? Monks, are you unable to find inner peace? Warlocks, are you experiencing relationship drama with your supernatural sugar daddy? Fear not. There is help for you. We here at Beacon Hope Tharmapeutic services can find the right neuromancer for you. Neuromancy is an experimental magical discipline that will tease apart your adult mind, help you resolve your past traumas, and prevent periods of unsolicited weirdness. Book time now with one of our experienced mental magicians. We only use accredited and well-tested spells written by the pens of great mind wizards like Xanax the Ever-Serene, Zoloft Brightheart, and Valium the Valiant. There's no need to suffer from mental distress anymore. Our neuromancers will lend a sympathetic wand to you for only your weekly gold stipend an hour. Don't delay. Send a message spell to our Beacon Hope apprentice today. Side effects of neuromancy may include spell memory loss, personality erasure, brain explosion, and mental distress. Consult a neuromancer before consulting a neuromancer.

SPEAKER_03 13:00

Now that we're back, uh, Krindle, you're a map maker. Do you have maps of the planes of despair? Have you mapped that place out yet? Maybe we can try to see any solutions on a map. Do I have maps of the planes of despair? Yes! Oh! Perfect! Do you have Meryl's house on there? In fact. Uh, let me see here. What are the different types of maps?

SPEAKER_04 13:22

Do you have like three different types? Uh yeah, uh, this one's labeled the Screaming Hills. Okay. And yeah. Um, this one has a note. Probably dragons here. Proceed emotionally. Okay. Um, and here's my favorite. It's just a charcoal smudge and the word nope in all caps. Maybe is that where the dragon is?

SPEAKER_03 13:47

Uh, yes. Of course. Alright. So her house is somewhere in that area.

SPEAKER_04 13:52

Yes. Uh, and now there's a dragon the size of a small castle, just rotten in the front porch. That's gonna attract necromancers.

SPEAKER_06 14:04

Uh tell them I don't want those necromatic holds in my yard, okay?

SPEAKER_01 14:10

Okay, look, honey. If you get one necromancer, you're gonna have a whole uh okay. I think maybe uh our friend here, the cartographer, he will know that this is how you get dungeons. Okay? You have a dead dragon, it's not being cleaned up, and if you leave it there, other monsters are going to come, necromancer going to come, and then all of a sudden, you will have an evil lord raising an army in your backyard. Please, please consider relocating temporarily.

SPEAKER_04 14:43

I know a nice mossy log in Whisper Willow Hollow. It's quiet, low wind, no fire, zero despair. Oh despair.

SPEAKER_06 14:52

Well, you're telling me that there's gonna be a dungeon here now?

SPEAKER_03 14:56

If if a dungeon does form, have you ever thought of being the dungeon lord yourself?

SPEAKER_06 15:01

Well, is there room for sheep?

SPEAKER_03 15:04

They can be your minions.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Have you considered a dyer sheep? Oh.

SPEAKER_06 15:11

How does one do that?

SPEAKER_01 15:14

They're like a regular sheep, but they eat people and have spikes.

SPEAKER_06 15:18

Do they have good yarn?

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Oh, yes, high quality. I have a hat.

SPEAKER_03 15:24

And you get very many different colored dyer yarn as well. Many different colors of dyer yarn.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

They are what they eat.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

You could set traps yourself, train your sheeps to attack anyone that comes, and then you're starting the dungeon yourself. You could have an entry fee. Oh.

SPEAKER_06 15:46

Oh. I'm getting so excited. I'm gonna go sit down. I'm getting so excited, my friends.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

Oh, you know, an entry fee, that's a good one. That's a good way to scalp the f I mean to run your economy with the help of local heroes.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

You should start by taking some of the dragon meat and feeding that to your sheep.

SPEAKER_06 16:07

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Here, sheepy, sheepy, come on, yeah, that's that's a good way to cause some mutations.

SPEAKER_03 16:15

Right? Dragons are naturally magical. The magic should infuse itself, usually, with animals. You might have a few unfortunate side effects, but it's a good start.

SPEAKER_06 16:26

You know, if the meat's good for the sheep, I bet it's good for me, too.

SPEAKER_03 16:32

I don't see any bad logic in that at all.

SPEAKER_04 16:36

First of all, very bold. Second of all, widely irresponsible. But third of all, please don't stop. This is the most excited ecological disaster of I've heard of.

SPEAKER_03 16:47

Right? I think this could be the next big thing, actually. But we need to make sure we also find Doris, so yeah. I know you said Doris is missing. Does Doris have any hobbies or any special interests as a sheep?

SPEAKER_06 17:00

Oh, Doris. Uh Doris is like the other few. She she likes to go hide behind the house and pretend like she doesn't know that she's supposed to eat all the grass down. But I know Doris! Doris, you are supposed to.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

Did you check behind your house?

SPEAKER_06 17:20

Well, I tried, but unfortunately there was a dragon there, and that's why I couldn't find her.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Oh. I'm afraid that uh to break difficult thing for you. I I will say two possibilities. One, your poor Doris may be beneath the dragon. But two, your Doris may already in this moment be mutating into an alpha dire sheep.

SPEAKER_04 17:50

Oh yes, I know her type. I once dated a wizard like that. Listen, Doris isn't missing. She's lurking. She's staging.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

Lurking.

SPEAKER_04 17:59

That's what she does. She's probably back there right now, tucked under the scorched rather than nibbling on grass, and she absolutely knows she shouldn't be there.

unknown 18:08

Oh.

SPEAKER_06 18:09

But Doris isn't that strong. So maybe I should check around the other side.

SPEAKER_03 18:14

Check the other side of the house. If you can, maybe check under the dragon. It's possibly Doris just already started eating, ran off, and is mutating somewhere in the forest as well. Surrounding the fields.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Uh, old lady, uh, Doris missing. Are there any other children missing from town? No.

SPEAKER_06 18:35

Well, there's my nephew Thurston. Except for Thurston, I I know he's just gone and done all the bad things. I'm sure he's had all the sweet foods and even tried the scary things like magic.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Hey, magic isn't scary, okay? It's misunderstood in some cases. I think you ever everyone thinks magic, they think old wizard, crazy sorcerer, or just stupid ass mage, you know. Magic's cool, okay? At least my magic's cool.

SPEAKER_04 19:07

Okay, uh, don't panic. I'll panic for both of us because there's uh Doris missing, and then now your nephew missing. Uh, does he have a history of befriending forbidden livestock?

SPEAKER_06 19:17

What? No, no, Thur Thurston just doesn't like doing work like Doris, so they get along quite well.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

Maybe Doris just went with Thurston. Maybe you have to open up the dungeon, get the adventuring party with Thurston back to come attempt your dungeon, and that's how you trap your nephew there.

SPEAKER_04 19:35

Oh it sounds like a mutated sheep is imprinting on a child.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

And that could be your first lieutenant.

SPEAKER_06 19:44

Wait, wait, wait. Doris is in Thurston? What?

SPEAKER_03 19:48

No, no, no, no, no, not in Thurston. That's illegal in a lot of uh towns.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Yeah, no, uh uh I think rather we are thinking here. Thurston. What if he is your first minibus? Oh Thurston and Doris. It's a double team.

SPEAKER_06 20:10

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Beastkeeper, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:13

Well, fellas, I think I'm really sold on this whole d the dungeon idea. I I might even be w willing to try magic. I know. Look at me.

SPEAKER_03 20:25

Well, uh, you know what we could do? Grindle, maybe you could travel to the fields of despair and help help Merrill map her dungeon out. I don't travel.

SPEAKER_04 20:35

I can give me the vibe, give me the emotions, give me the smell, I will create a map for you. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 20:42

What what's the vibe of your house right now?

SPEAKER_06 20:45

Squashed.

SPEAKER_03 20:47

Okay. Ruined! Maybe ruined is better. The area is in ruins.

SPEAKER_04 20:53

Let me write this down. We got so squashed. The vibe is squashed, ruined. Well raised. That's a technical term isn't rapid.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

I guess, I guess. We're getting a little more specific.

SPEAKER_04 21:06

I'm sensing it now. The grass feels off. The air tests taste like burned toast and regret. And the ley lines are crinkled. The birds are flying in circles, and the vibe is, yes, fully squashed.

SPEAKER_03 21:21

I like it.

SPEAKER_04 21:22

This is no longer a field, this is a hotbed of narrative tension. A cursed pasture. A wolf soft war zone.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

It sounds to me you should have been an author, because those are some great descriptors.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Yeah. Yeah, I have no idea what you just said, but if uh if other dungeon designers were smart enough to confuse me this badly, I think maybe I would have liked those dungeons more.

SPEAKER_04 21:50

Uh yeah, just don't come back with the complaint about the map.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

Well, Meryl, it sounds like you got a great start to a new a new life. Is there anything else you'd like to ask us before we let you go? Is there any questions, uh concerns?

SPEAKER_06 22:05

Uh yeah, um where are you guys again and w what are your names?

SPEAKER_03 22:11

We're in Hubhaven right now, if you know where that is. I believe it's to the east of the Fields of Despair. Someone write that down. I don't know if that's true. East of the Fields of Despair.

SPEAKER_06 22:21

Mapboy got it.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

Okay, got it.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

And I am Ronald the Randy Wizard. I am Scarti the generally decent Krindel Splots, the cartographer.

SPEAKER_06 22:36

Oh yeah, uh I forgot to introduce myself again. I I'm Meryl. Merrill Sheep.

SPEAKER_04 22:43

Meryl Sheep. Were you not a pigeon?

SPEAKER_06 22:47

Huh? Oh uh no, that's just Mavis.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Mavis is uh is is uh oh oh no Mavis was injured so badly getting her message to us. I I don't think we'll be able to send her back.

SPEAKER_04 23:02

Uh if you're okay with uh necromancer doing some work on your pigeon.

SPEAKER_06 23:08

Oh, I am worth giving that necromods a call to try, so we can also give you a few more tips, Merrill.

SPEAKER_03 23:16

If you're gonna be a dungeon boss, you gotta wear some amazing clothes, you know, maybe some Prada or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 23:24

Who take very good care of your pigeons where you meety?

SPEAKER_06 23:28

Uh no no no no. I don't wanna meet new pigeons. I want Mavis back, but but uh as clothing, uh yeah, I've just only ever worn whatever I've made for my myself. You're saying that I can get the fancy outfits?

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Oh yeah. From an expert's opinion. Invest in spikes. Ooh.

SPEAKER_06 23:51

What does a d a dungeon person wear?

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Oh, spikes.

SPEAKER_03 23:57

You usually want to uh kind of feel the vibe of your area, so once it gets more clear, you know, maybe spikes are always good, and you can't go wrong with spikes. But what do dungeon bosses wear? I haven't been on an adventure in a long time.

SPEAKER_04 24:11

Uh, if it's all about presence. Uh presence. It's if you want to be a dungeon boss, it's not about size or scales or whatever you're wearing. It's about having magical forms. At least five.

SPEAKER_03 24:27

Wait, you're telling me size doesn't matter when it comes to clothes? Yeah. Okay. Feel something you feel confident in. That's the number one thing, I think. Confidence. Maybe skin some of the dire sheep's wool off and make a suit out of the wool since they're your minions. It's theming there. There we go.

SPEAKER_06 24:48

Oh, oh yeah, I I like to knit. I I tend to do that a lot.

SPEAKER_04 24:53

And be sure to establish your dungeon philosophy. Are you a tragic anti hero turnferal? A guardian of a curse pasture? Or just a hangry and misunderstood individual?

SPEAKER_03 25:07

That's also good as well. I think what we're gonna have to do, Merrill, since we have your sending stone, is we're gonna have to we'll let you go for now, but I think maybe we check back in on you in a week or two, a few weeks, to see how this has advanced. You know, we want to make sure you're still up and running.

SPEAKER_06 25:22

Oh, sure. Oh, wow, that's uh that's so kind of you all.

SPEAKER_04 25:27

Uh, would you be willing to take a bite out of that dragon meat?

SPEAKER_03 25:31

Oh, I think we need to see what the dragon meat does to you right now. That's a good good call.

SPEAKER_06 25:36

Oh, sure. Let me get my carving knife out. Oh no, that's my paring knife. Oh no, that's the fish parade knife. Cheese knife. Oh, you know what? The cheese knife will do. I'll just take a big old bite out of this chunk I just hewn. Here we go, boys.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Alright. Okay. This old lady is metal. That's probably the best way to get the magic is to eat it raw.

SPEAKER_05 26:00

Oh! I feel such a buzzing through my bones. What is this?

SPEAKER_03 26:08

You're embracing the magic is what you're doing. It's embracing you at least.

SPEAKER_05 26:12

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

Do you feel any new scales or horns?

SPEAKER_06 26:17

Scales? I I don't play music, but but I do see something coming out of my arms.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

Oh, is it a second head?

unknown 26:26

Uh no, no.

SPEAKER_04 26:26

A tail?

SPEAKER_06 26:28

It does feel bumpy, so maybe that's good. I look looking more like a sheep. I think I I got something like the the the ram horn or something.

SPEAKER_03 26:37

Oh, okay, there we go. That's a style for you. Ram boss.

SPEAKER_04 26:40

Oh ramboss. Oh, oh, oh, let me.

SPEAKER_06 26:44

Oh, this is the most horrifying thing of all! Oh! My hair! It's gone curly!

SPEAKER_01 26:52

Oh god.

SPEAKER_06 26:53

Oh, how do I live with this new power?

SPEAKER_01 26:57

Clearly, the magic has gone sour.

SPEAKER_04 26:59

Uh, let me get this clear. Not frizzy, not wind tossed, not I rolled into something. It's gone curly.

SPEAKER_06 27:06

Yeah, yeah, like like pink curls.

SPEAKER_03 27:09

Pin curls? And it just did it by itself? That's actually kind of impressive. That's magic in itself.

SPEAKER_06 27:14

Is this what magic does?

SPEAKER_03 27:16

I mean, yeah, usually it takes all night to get pen curls that look good.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

I suppose if all else fails, you can open uh a hairdresser.

SPEAKER_06 27:27

And I I feel so much more alive, not like I have five years left of my time. Oh, I can make all kinds of dungeon fun.

SPEAKER_03 27:36

There you go. I like the embrace. Wonderful. See, that's what we're about here is new experiences, and it seems like you have a new lease on life, so I think we did our job today. Good job, everyone.

SPEAKER_01 27:48

Excellent. And if you are looking for uh hires for your dungeon, I still have some connections, yeah. Oh. Okay then. Oh boy. Yeah, I've got some uh some friends still left over there with Teledandrius the all raising. Oh.

SPEAKER_03 28:07

Teledandrius is still around?

SPEAKER_01 28:09

You would be surprised, you know he still does tours. Oh. God, nothing more than that. Of course, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:24

Classic touring.

SPEAKER_04 28:26

Yeah. I may not travel, I may not fight, I may not even leave my hut most of my days. But if I can help one emotionally overwhelmed individual turn into a powerful curly-haired dungeon boss and reclaim her squashed home.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Good. I mean, isn't that what we're all about? Is making the old feel welcome and useful.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

You are a strange but good milk drinker.

SPEAKER_03 28:54

On that note, I think it's time to let Merrill go off on her new adventure being a dungeon boss, and we'll see how she evolves in a little while. Meryl, thanks for I guess accidentally finding us. He didn't mean to call us, but this is definitely the best possible outcome from you, in my opinion.

SPEAKER_05 29:10

Hey Sheepy, look at I got the horns of you, and I'm gonna swallow everyone.

SPEAKER_01 29:19

She has already begun to embrace her destiny.

SPEAKER_03 29:21

Alright. Well, on that note, good luck, Meryl, on all your endeavors. Thanks for calling the heroes helpline. We'll talk to you soon.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

Sheep and glory.

SPEAKER_03 29:33

Does she sound like a sheep there at the end a little bit?

SPEAKER_01 29:36

Uh I I wonder if who? Do you know you are what you eat? I wonder how many sheep the dragon ate.

SPEAKER_03 29:44

I wonder how much sheep she's eaten, to be honest. Oh god. It sounds like the town's being attacked right now. I'll get my axe. Yeah, I better put up some detection spells. Reminds me of the Tedfoil. Oh god. Well, that note, everyone, thank you all for listening to the Heroes Helpline. We'll be back next week with some new heroes and some new callers. I haven't thought of a sign-off yet, so until then. Stay cool. That was terrible. That was terrible. Uh uh, what do you guys got a better one than that?

SPEAKER_04 30:16

Uh, this has been Krindle Splots. Stay at home. Cartographer, uh, cautionary voice of reason, and reluctant expert in sheep base of cop apocalypsis. Um. Good night.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

It's Norse outside. Oh god. I'm gonna go have fun. I mean protect the citizenry. Uh uh, yeah, uh, I I have been uh bored until this moment. Uh Skarti. Skarti, the generally decent pie.

SPEAKER_03 30:46

Alright, Skarty, I'm coming with you. Let me get my magic ready. Uh, I haven't fought in a while. Here we go.

SPEAKER_04 30:51

I'm gonna go burst some tea.

SPEAKER_03 30:57

Thank you for listening to the first episode of the Heroes Helpline. We got more help on the way. If you'd like to ask our heroes a question, email the HeroesHelpline at gmail.com. You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Blue Sky at the Heroes Helpline. Ronald the Randy Wizard was played by Joshua Baird Carroll. Hey, that's me! Scardy the Generally Decent was played by Jesse Anderson. You can hear Jesse and Josh on The Natural Seven, a real play DD podcast where their characters take on a collaborative homebrewed world, The Great Red, a harsh world that the group will navigate in pursuit of powerful fallen stars. Join along to follow their struggles, stresses, and successes. Brindle's Plots was played by Jay Harameo. You can catch Jay on Chambers of the Occult, a podcast exploring true crime and the paranormal, with a touch of flair and mystery. You can also catch him in Old News Nonsense, his comedy spinoff where he dives into weird and wonderful newspaper clippings from history. Follow Chambers of the Occult and the Natural Seven wherever you get your podcast. Meryl Sheep was played by Katie Darrow. While Katie is humble and doesn't have anything to plug, I want you to know she is awesome. Scry in next week to hear another episode of The Hero's Helpline.