EP 3- Brich Please

Tonight on The Heroes Helpline, everyone's favorite tavern owner joins us, and for our second hero, well after last weeks ending some people were worried about being on the show, so we pulled a couple off the street to join us. Can they help us with a witches curse! 

Music: Magic Tavern by Alexander Nakarada (https://www.creatorchords.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Medieval Library- https://tabletopaudio.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Whether you're pondering your orb or listening on your scrypad, it's time for a new episode of the Heroes Helpline. Live from the town hall of Hubhaven, here is your host, Ronald the Randy Wizard? Is it still him after last week everything's a bit fuzzy?

SPEAKER_05 0:30

Hello everyone, it's Ronald the Randy Wizard here, coming back to you with the Heroes Helpline. Now, I know last week kind of got a little fuzzy at the end. I don't really remember how things ended, and everyone kind of seemed just to go their separate ways. But we're back. I'm here. We have some great guests, you know. As I mentioned, I'm contractually obligated to mention my other podcast. Allureing conversations. I'll leave gonna mention that at least once per episode. Check it out if you ask. It's the number two scry cast in the world. I know. Anyways, we have some great guests for you tonight. First, we have Lissette Ember Dance, and I know any resident of Hubhaven knows Lissette. Lissette.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Well, hello, hello, everyone! It's so lovely to see you out in here. Out here on the real Skycast!

SPEAKER_05 1:20

Oh, yes, yes, Lissette. I know you're excited. I know you're a listener of the old Heroes Help line. Because you have your ear on everything in Hubhaven.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Well, absolutely. I know everybody.

SPEAKER_05 1:32

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. And some reason we couldn't book another guest tonight, so we just pulled these two off the street. I'm not sure if it had to do with what happened last time. Like I said, things are fuzzy from last week. So I don't know if people are a little worried about coming on, but we have these two!

SPEAKER_07 1:50

Ladies first. Hi there, um uh Mira Nightshade. And I'm Thorne.

SPEAKER_08 2:00

Her lovely husband.

SPEAKER_05 2:02

Mira and Thorne Nightshade! Welcome to the Heroes Helpline!

SPEAKER_08 2:07

Now sorry, we've we've never really done something like this before.

SPEAKER_05 2:12

Oh, it's okay. The scry pool catches anything you say and transmit it to our listeners, so feel free to talk normally.

SPEAKER_07 2:18

Yeah, we usually kinda work on our own.

SPEAKER_05 2:22

Oh, you work on your own? What do you do?

SPEAKER_07 2:25

Necromancy, rituals, soul rites, and yeah.

SPEAKER_05 2:29

Oh.

SPEAKER_07 2:30

We we dabble in a lot.

SPEAKER_05 2:32

I mean, that's nothing wrong with that. You are making your own way, uh.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

You know, are you the one who helped Thaddeus with his wife and the problem? He was really missing his little tubbies.

SPEAKER_08 2:50

Yeah, you know, Lizette really, really helped us out when we were in a gif one time.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

They came into my pub the other day, uh about three weeks ago, actually, and yeah, uh, poor Thaddeus had lost the little tubbies, and I didn't know what to do. It was all about and all. And then nightshades came in and uh well, I got talking to them and hey! Business business.

SPEAKER_05 3:13

Right, just so our all our listeners know what's a tubby?

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Oh, like a little tubby, like i i the little um owlet. The the the owlbear. There we go. That's what we all called.

SPEAKER_05 3:24

Oh, of course, a little little creature, yes. I knew that, of course. Uh I'm a wizard, I know things.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Um Ronald, the Randy Wizard!

SPEAKER_05 3:34

Randy Wizard, yes. Uh, you know, Randy Magic, Charm Allure Illusion. But yeah, we have the nightshades, and of course, our lovely Lissette that everyone who's ever been to her pub, why don't you plug your pub? It's one of the best pubs in town.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

Oh, you would really do that for me?

SPEAKER_05 3:54

Of course! We always like to plug locals. That sounded weird.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Of course. And no worries, we all get our tongues in a twist.

SPEAKER_05 4:03

Go ahead and give us a plug, get some more I mean, let's be honest, your pub is usually busy, but this might give it a little bit more business.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Well, sure. Come on over if you need to drink, if you need to celebrate, if you need to cry, if it needs a good punch in the face, come on over to the sneering hedgehog.

SPEAKER_05 4:19

I gotta say, I've cried a lot in the sneering hedgehog. Mainly because I've lost bets there. It's okay though. It's fine. Uh anyways, yeah, Nightshades. Is you two seem to be very uh are you from Hubhaven? I don't really recognize you too much.

SPEAKER_08 4:36

No, no, no, no. I didn't think so. No, we we actually just recently moved here from from Stormvell. You may have heard of it. Yeah, Stormvell, of course. More in the north, tucked away.

SPEAKER_05 4:47

It's Is that the north-north or just the north?

SPEAKER_08 4:50

Just a bit north.

SPEAKER_05 4:51

Just a bit north. So it's not super north, okay.

SPEAKER_08 4:53

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 4:54

Well, yeah, okay. Well, welcome to Hubhaven, our lovely city here. A lot of people make their way here.

unknown 5:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 5:02

Oh, it looks like our orb is glowing. So it seems we have a collar on the line. Let's all go over and ponder it, see who it is. Hello, you're on the hero's helpline.

SPEAKER_03 5:14

Uh hi, Randy. I'm so glad you Oh, sorry. I'm so glad you answered. I gotta tell you, you're my you're my last chance here. Last one I've come into. Uh I need some I need help.

SPEAKER_05 5:28

Thanks, I guess. What what do you need help with?

SPEAKER_03 5:31

Oh uh well, uh, you know, my my name is Ru R R R Rufus. Rufus, and uh uh I have I have a a big problem, a big problem. Okay, are you getting picture? Is the orb? I'll put my face close to it.

SPEAKER_05 5:46

There's a really kind of a wet kind of nose.

SPEAKER_03 5:49

Oh, sorry, sorry.

SPEAKER_05 5:50

Maybe back up a bit?

SPEAKER_03 5:52

Okay, how's that? Yeah, so uh as you can see, I'm a talking cocker spaniel.

SPEAKER_05 5:58

Not a cocker spaniel.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

Um yeah, so I wasn't always um like this, of course. Okay. I once had a home and a wife, uh uh job.

SPEAKER_05 6:12

Do you uh do you now not have a home wife or job now that you're a dog?

SPEAKER_03 6:16

What happened to you? Oh well, uh, you know, it's a bit of a blur, you s you see, but uh see I used to do some hunting in the dark woods, you know, the dark woods. Oh, the dark woods have dangerous hunting. Of course. Yeah, I never thought it would happen to me, but uh let's just say I I ran afoul of some evil witch. Oh. Yeah. Those are the worst. Yeah, I know. And so I got transformed. That was three three weeks ago, and every everywhere I go, I guess, hey, I say, hey! Hey, I'm I'm a man, I'm not a dog. And uh nobody believes me. I've yeah, everyone's like, wow, a talking dog, and I'm like, no, I was I'm a human.

SPEAKER_08 7:04

What fascinating magic.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Oh, how problematic.

SPEAKER_07 7:09

So, you kind of just wandered by and you became a familiar.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

I don't want to be a famili. I'm not very familiar with you, Ned. No, I I want to be a human man again.

SPEAKER_05 7:20

Okay, I mean my first question for you is people don't think you're a human, they just think you're a talking dog. Are there a lot of talking dogs in the area you're at that that's a normal thing?

SPEAKER_03 7:32

Well, gosh, Randy, that's a good question. I I never met one Whatever, and I never met one in my life until I came to the big city. You're a Hubhaven?

SPEAKER_05 7:41

Yeah, I Oh, you're in Hubhaven right now.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

Oh yeah, I I could see your building. I knew you I knew you guys from a from a buddy of mine. Yeah, he had uh he has a sky scrypad and uh told me all about your little show here.

SPEAKER_05 7:54

Gotcha. Well, called the right place. We're gonna help you out. We just gotta we need to learn more about this. So you were in the dark woods, you were hunting a witch. Which witch witch were you hunting?

SPEAKER_03 8:05

Well the wit witch witch was the witch that I was hunting was the the the britch witch. The bridge witch.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Oh, I think I've had her a few adventurers back. They tried to get out there, but they kind of ran away.

SPEAKER_03 8:21

I can see why. So the britch witch, she likes pants a lot. Okay. You know, like britches.

SPEAKER_05 8:30

Oh, bridges, gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_03 8:32

So we called her the bridge witch. I was, you know, I was sort of nude from the bottom down at the time, uh, because of the bridch witch, of course.

SPEAKER_05 8:38

Did she steal your pants?

SPEAKER_03 8:39

Uh everyone every time. Every time. Yep. Just out hunting my bow and arrow, and then you feel a breeze.

SPEAKER_05 8:47

You weren't hunting the britch witch. You were just hunting.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

That's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_05 8:52

Okay, okay, that makes more sense. You should never hunt a witch, let alone the bridch witch.

SPEAKER_07 8:57

Makes sense. She's a seasonal hex hag. Mm-hmm. We've run into her before.

SPEAKER_05 9:02

What, you ran into the bridge witch before? Are you alive? My god. Do you have pants?

SPEAKER_08 9:08

Why would she ever try to harm us?

SPEAKER_05 9:11

Wait, Rufus asks a great question. Do you s did you still have pants on when you after you encountered her?

SPEAKER_08 9:18

What happens in the dark forest stays in the dark forest.

SPEAKER_03 9:21

I object.

SPEAKER_05 9:22

I've living proof.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

Wait. That is not true.

SPEAKER_05 9:25

Your pants are still in the dark forest, but I see you wearing pants right now. Are these new pants?

SPEAKER_08 9:29

Oh uh well uh well yes, I can expose myself here.

SPEAKER_05 9:34

I appreciate that, yes. Okay. Maybe you should get some water roof if you seem to go.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

What? Yeah, I'm a little thirsty. How'd you know?

SPEAKER_05 9:43

Maybe you should go to the sneering hedgehog and say Lissette Lissette sent you and get some water.

SPEAKER_03 9:48

Oh no. Uh I'm not going back to any tavern. Like, no, I last time I tried to get some help from like a local mage, I figured I'd go to the tavern and that's a mage, that's why. And it's horrible, horrible. They started petting me. Oh, the in the indignation.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Well well, see, you got to go around back. The kiddos are out front and they would have a bowl with you. Oh. But if you go around back, I believe we could probably help you out.

SPEAKER_03 10:12

Yeah, I could do you have like a bowl?

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Well, of course! Well, uh a tavern.

SPEAKER_03 10:18

I would literally like a bowl. And perhaps a ball to chase around.

SPEAKER_07 10:24

You know about Rufus? I don't think you have a curse. Okay. I think those are just just consequences for being nosy.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Oh well, hang on, let's give him a little credit here. He wasn't even trying to go off to the witch.

SPEAKER_07 10:38

He had no pants on. Where's the decency?

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Well, he got me there.

SPEAKER_05 10:42

Did you have pants on before the Britch Witch, or were you just going nude?

SPEAKER_03 10:46

So see now here's the thing, right? I had pants the first time, but it was my only pair of pants. And the Britch Witch told my britches. So I was become pantless. And so I was I was in the woods pantless, yes.

SPEAKER_08 11:10

Well, you know, honey, you you mentioned that it might just be the consequences of his actions.

SPEAKER_05 11:19

Yeah, what did you do to anger the Britch Witch? Maybe that will help us learn why she turns you into a dog.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

Oh gosh. Uh well, you see, the Britch Witch uh and I, well, you know, we have a sort of working relationship. Oh. At least I thought we were on good terms and all, but uh apparently not. Uh you see, I'm happily married to this wonderful, or I suppose was happily married, and uh well.

SPEAKER_05 11:43

Meanwhile, still married at least. You're just a dog.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

Well yeah, well let's well let's just say that the Britch Witch was uh she was interested in this dog after all, so uh Oh She had the dog in her. Yeah, so she kept stealing my pants off, and I was like, hey, I'm married I'm a married man a married dog uh man, married Dan. And uh so sh I think I think she got a little upset when I told her no. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Oh, we have a crisis of the heart.

SPEAKER_03 12:12

I see. No, I think I would focus on the dog thing. If they please.

SPEAKER_05 12:16

Well, I mean, we have to solve the bridge witch's problem first to try to get you back into a man.

SPEAKER_07 12:22

I'm sorry, Rufus, but I'm here to tell you that I was married once, a long time ago, and it ended with a coffin. Not them getting turned into a dog. You're lucky.

SPEAKER_05 12:31

Thank you. You were married.

SPEAKER_07 12:35

Yeah, before I met Thorne.

SPEAKER_05 12:37

Not to the Britchwitch, though, right?

SPEAKER_08 12:39

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 12:40

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_08 12:40

Oh good. When when when was this marriage?

SPEAKER_03 12:44

Yeah, let's focus on this for a second. Rufus, you drink some water during this time, you know.

SPEAKER_07 12:49

Just before I met Thorne. Well, stick. Nothing to talk about. Thorne and I are just doing our job as necromancers and living in solitude.

SPEAKER_08 12:58

Sorry. Sorry, this can happen another time.

SPEAKER_05 13:01

Well, no, I mean, okay, well, you okay, let's focus on you two said you know the Britch Witch. What do you know about the British Witch that can help us here? Other than she steals britches.

SPEAKER_08 13:12

Well, one thing that that I've found during my studies is she really, really enjoys an offering.

SPEAKER_05 13:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_08 13:23

An offering of britches, perhaps. Before she's able to take them from you. Oh. Or whatever else that you think could be of value to you. She wants to take ultimately, but if you if you give her something, she might even turn into an ally down the road.

SPEAKER_05 13:44

Interesting. Interesting.

SPEAKER_03 13:48

Uh well, I don't have anything right now. You got fur. I got this bone. This big bone.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

You know, the most important thing. Um Rufus, have you found your way to the to the sneering edge dog yet?

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Uh, I'm I'm getting there. It's really hard dragging this thing around, you know. It's I'm more like playing with it like a ball, you know, it would roll ahead and I'd get chased after it all excited. Like, you know, it's an orb. It's it's round, it's really uh inconvenient.

SPEAKER_05 14:17

I just had this thought. The bridch witch, right? You said she wanted an offering. I also remember the bridge witch has this poultice that you put on yourselves to protect yourself from the sun. And on the poultice there's an image of a dog pulling off the britches of a kid. Now I I it's like called uh copper something or other. It's supposed to protect you from the sun. Maybe that's a subtle sign that the Britch Witch wants a sun. Or wants a maybe it's a sign the Britch Witch wants you to steal pants as an offering.

SPEAKER_08 14:53

Pants from a boy?

SPEAKER_05 14:54

So I mean I wouldn't do it from a boy, honestly. That doesn't sound good no matter who you are.

SPEAKER_03 14:58

The little kid part was kind of messed up, right?

SPEAKER_07 15:03

So Thorne and the Britch Witch both want a child.

SPEAKER_03 15:08

Wait, Thorne, you want a child? Wait, maybe you two could just knock that out between the two of you, and then I could go home.

SPEAKER_08 15:14

Mira, the this isn't this isn't quite the time.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

You know, a marriage is all about open and healthy communication, so.

SPEAKER_08 15:22

Yeah, well. Well, you know, you talk of open and healthy communication, but this is the first time hearing of a previous marriage. So, you know, maybe we should You never asked.

SPEAKER_05 15:34

I think Rufus, we might be switching the situation here. I think they have a bigger problem than I do, actually. I think Mira wants a kid and Thorne doesn't.

SPEAKER_07 15:44

No, no. I I'm past my age of children, bearing children. Well, not really, but Thorne still wants one.

SPEAKER_05 15:52

Well, maybe Rufus can steal the bridges off a kid and you guys can raise it? I don't know. That's just me throwing out a suggestion there.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

I think it has some water.

SPEAKER_05 16:01

Oh, you have some water.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Uh oh, yeah, Rufus.

SPEAKER_05 16:04

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

I I I've sent a a message over to those at the my my my pub. If you head on over, they've they've just left it out back. You don't even have to go in.

SPEAKER_03 16:12

I think I think I'm almost there. I'm coming through the Oh no. Oh nine gods. No, there is a cat in the alley behind your town.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Rufus, you're a dog!

SPEAKER_03 16:22

Kill it. Oh god.

SPEAKER_05 16:25

Oh god, familiar. Alright, well, Rufus deals with this. We're gonna go to break real quick. Good luck, Rufus. Go away. Hello everyone, Ronald the Randy Wizard here. I just want to thank you all for listening to our scry cast. If you're enjoying the show, please give us a follow on whatever podcatcher, I mean scrycatcher, you're using. You can also follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Blue Sky. If you have any questions or need some help from our heroes, send us an email at theheroeshelpline at gmail.com. And before I leave, I want to thank all those who have been heroes making this show possible. They know who they are. Listen to the credits, and you can know too. Now back to the show. And we're back. Away.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

Go away.

SPEAKER_05 17:17

Um, are you okay, Rufus? You get rid of that cat?

SPEAKER_03 17:20

Yes, fortunately, I uh it was a tough battle. You know. Not much of a fighter, but uh, you know, I got I think I I think uh I held my own. You know, I think it did good.

SPEAKER_08 17:30

Can we have that corpse? By by chance.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

I didn't kill it, my god. Oh.

SPEAKER_07 17:35

Oh Rufus got cursed into a talking dog. And that's how you know, and at some and that's how they Rufus lost his trousers. Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

No, I'm pretty sure he lost his trousers before we get the dog, but we established that.

SPEAKER_07 17:50

Okay, what's your excuse, Thorne? Where's your trousers?

SPEAKER_05 17:53

What Thorne, did you take your trousers off for someone else?

SPEAKER_07 17:57

What are you What are you talking about? Just saying, when we go to graveyards, you don't have to compare every size.

SPEAKER_05 18:07

Whoa, whoa, size of what exactly?

SPEAKER_01 18:11

I think it's getting juicy, but I don't think the dead have juices.

SPEAKER_05 18:15

I know there's a lot of bones in graveyards, but I don't know if they're talking about that type of bone.

SPEAKER_03 18:18

Bones?

SPEAKER_05 18:18

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_08 18:19

No, no, no, buddy. Calm down, come on.

SPEAKER_07 18:21

Calm down, Ruth.

SPEAKER_08 18:22

Not not.

SPEAKER_07 18:22

Not that kind of bone.

SPEAKER_08 18:25

Mira, is this exactly appropriate for right now?

SPEAKER_07 18:29

We got a talking dog, we got a tavern, and we got a wizard. If someone's gonna talk about this, it should be them.

SPEAKER_05 18:35

Lissette, you probably have had a lot of marital disputes in your tavern. Do you have any advice for these two to help them calm down?

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Yes, I do. If you're gonna throw a punch, make sure there's no glass nearby, and prenups are best.

SPEAKER_04 18:48

Do you guys have a prenup? That's good advice, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 18:51

No. Why would I ever and Thorn don't look at me like that?

SPEAKER_01 18:54

I I think Rufus is right. A little more communication would just bring joy to this deafness that you all have.

SPEAKER_03 19:02

Yeah, and the last thing you want to do is bring a kid into this, because that's that's not gonna fix it, you know. Did you hear that, Thorne?

SPEAKER_07 19:08

No kids.

SPEAKER_08 19:09

All I want with you is a family.

SPEAKER_07 19:11

Maybe get a dog. I had one until they died because that birch witch killed them.

SPEAKER_05 19:18

Oh, the birch witch killed your family. The birch the birch witch? The birch witch! Birch brich, uh, I don't know. There's the birch witch is a tree witch, sorry. That's a different witch.

SPEAKER_08 19:29

What I'm so confused, Mira.

SPEAKER_07 19:34

W what do you mean? What I mean is that we knew what we were getting into. Don't make me choose between what I lost and what I have. You won't like the answer.

SPEAKER_05 19:49

What if? Here's here's something. What if you raise your neckren answers?

SPEAKER_07 19:54

Rufus. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 19:56

Raise the dead. Not raise Rufus, no, I don't think Rufus is a man. I don't that's a different choice.

SPEAKER_07 20:02

Rufus, how good is your scent as a dog?

SPEAKER_03 20:05

Uh it's pretty good. I've been sniffing my own balls.

SPEAKER_07 20:09

We can bring Rufus into the house. He can be your the child, and he we can send him out into the graveyard to sniff out for fresh corpses.

SPEAKER_03 20:16

Huh. Sounds like a job.

SPEAKER_07 20:20

He had had a roof over his head. Meals twice a day.

SPEAKER_05 20:24

Rufus, can I ask you a question? Have you seen your family? I mean, we're talking about the Night Jade's families. Have you seen your family recently?

SPEAKER_03 20:32

Well, I tried to tell my wife what happened, and she just thought I was the cutest little thing. So I uh took me about two weeks to get here on foot.

SPEAKER_07 20:43

Rufus, how big is your family?

SPEAKER_03 20:46

Well, it's me. This is my wife. Papa. Uh my mother.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

And then my dog. Oh, oh, Rufus got a the dog got a dog.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Wait, wait, Rufus. What kind of dog do you have?

SPEAKER_03 21:04

Oh, well, it's like a s is sh uh she's six years old. Uh, and so uh uh she's like uh what do you call it? She's a cocker spaniel. And okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Wait, Rufus! It is wait, is is there a chance that you're not a dog, uh-huh, but that you're your dog? Because you're a cocker spaniel, right? Is it a chance that you've just switched places?

SPEAKER_08 21:33

Mm-hmm. I've seen that. Wait a second.

SPEAKER_03 21:36

Wait, wait a second, give me one second. Oh my god, I don't have balls. Rufus.

SPEAKER_05 21:41

Have you seen yourself walking around your own house? Did you see you, but just a barking you?

SPEAKER_03 21:51

Huh. You know, now that you mention it, there was a man without pants in my house.

SPEAKER_07 21:58

Hey, Rufus.

SPEAKER_03 22:00

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_07 22:01

Do you have the birchweed on speed dial?

SPEAKER_03 22:06

Uh maybe, yeah. I might I might be.

SPEAKER_07 22:08

I would sure like that number for Thorn.

SPEAKER_03 22:10

You know. Okay, yeah. I think I can I can loop her in here and seeing this is a bridge conference. A bridge switch switch. Because that makes no sense. That is makes sense. I'm gonna go ahead and give her a call. Is that okay, Randy? Yeah, yeah, we'll call up uh the bridge switch. Okay, here we go. Uh it's ringing. It's ringing, Randy. Alright. Okay, she'll help clear things up, okay?

SPEAKER_06 22:38

Yes! You've reached the home of the witch of all things that have to do with drawers, pants, undies, and unmentionables. This is the Britch Witch, how can I help you?

SPEAKER_03 22:52

Uh um, Amanda, hi. Um, it's you. It's yes. I was going to ask you. Ask me. Uh-huh. What are you gonna ask me? Uh, look, I know our last meeting didn't go the way you wanted it to, but could it be?

SPEAKER_07 23:10

Amanda, do you know who's calling?

SPEAKER_05 23:13

Yeah, Amanda, we have you on three-way. This is Ronald the Randy Wizard, and you're on the hero's helpline. You're getting a call from the dog.

SPEAKER_06 23:20

Well, I haven't had a three-way in quite a long time, so I hope I'm not too rusty.

SPEAKER_05 23:25

I believe it's six! Um, well, yeah, there's actually a lot of us here, but it's a three-way call.

SPEAKER_03 23:30

Oh, k keep your hands on your britches.

SPEAKER_05 23:32

One question at the time.

SPEAKER_07 23:34

Oh, Thorne already lost them.

SPEAKER_05 23:37

Do you remember Rufus Amanda, the Britch Witch?

SPEAKER_03 23:42

Yes. Yeah, could I crack. Could you lift the curse, please? I think I learned my lesson.

SPEAKER_06 23:51

What did you do wrong?

SPEAKER_03 23:55

I didn't have pants on. You didn't offer pants to Amanda the British.

SPEAKER_06 24:02

I didn't figure out what he did wrong.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

No. Oh man, help me out, guys.

SPEAKER_05 24:08

Uh Rufus didn't offer you child's pants before he hunted in your forest. I think is the problem.

SPEAKER_06 24:15

Uh yes. That is one of my favorite techniques. You have to break them down when they're young, you see.

SPEAKER_05 24:26

The pants, of course.

SPEAKER_06 24:28

Of course, the pants.

SPEAKER_05 24:29

The pants, the pants, everyone.

SPEAKER_08 24:33

I'm glad we cleared that up.

SPEAKER_07 24:35

Brich Witch, Amanda. Uh, can I call you Amanda? No. Fair. Witch, hag. Rich witch. You have to say the whole thing. Britch witch. I'm Mira Nightshade. I've got my p husband. On the other line, Thorn. Hello. Hi. Um, can you do that dog trick on our side, but not have it be a dog?

SPEAKER_06 25:03

Of course, darling.

SPEAKER_07 25:04

What did your man do to you? I have a dead ex-husband underground that I would like back. Like back.

SPEAKER_06 25:10

Oh damn. Did he die wearing pants? Yes. Then there is a chance.

SPEAKER_08 25:17

Excuse me, I I I can't let this happen. You want your ex-husband back?

SPEAKER_07 25:24

Thorne, I never asked for your love. I asked for your power.

SPEAKER_05 25:29

What if we erased your ex-husband?

SPEAKER_03 25:34

Randy, no, let's let this let's let this go.

SPEAKER_05 25:37

Okay, I've got to be a good thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:37

Yeah, yes, I got popcorn. How much he was born.

SPEAKER_03 25:40

Oh yes, please.

SPEAKER_08 25:41

I have poured my love into our shared creation for how many years now?

SPEAKER_07 25:49

Thorn, I married your magic, not your moonlit silence or that stupid soft voice that you should think is sexy. But I I thought Thorn, two necromancers are a lot easier to bring back a dead body than one.

SPEAKER_08 26:09

I just thought that that night when when I stumbled into that grave you were digging up. I thought I thought that we had something. We did, a hole.

SPEAKER_05 26:20

Everyone has a hole they love.

SPEAKER_07 26:22

A hole where I buried my husband. And you fell on top of him.

SPEAKER_08 26:29

I didn't mean to.

SPEAKER_07 26:32

It was an accident. That's what they all say, honey. Thorne. You wanna make it up to me? Anything. Let's bring Rufus into our little marriage.

SPEAKER_02 26:49

As a dog. As a dog. Time about three ways.

SPEAKER_07 26:53

And if we can have Rufus take my husband's side, you can stick around and you can be my husband's husband.

SPEAKER_05 27:01

That's up to Rufus.

SPEAKER_07 27:03

No, no, dogs don't get to give consent. They're dogs.

SPEAKER_05 27:07

I was thinking you just raise your dead husband, have the British which turn your dead husband into a dog.

SPEAKER_08 27:13

I'm I'm I'm sorry, I need to step away for a moment. Thorne. That's a lot.

SPEAKER_05 27:17

Hey, Thorne, Thorne.

SPEAKER_06 27:20

Wait, what's his name? Is his name Ricky? No, no, no, Ronald.

SPEAKER_05 27:24

No, I'm Ronald. I think Ricky's the husband.

SPEAKER_07 27:27

Thorne gets upset at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_06 27:28

I'm talking to you two and three.

SPEAKER_05 27:29

Well, Ronald, I'm Ronald.

SPEAKER_06 27:31

Yeah, Ricky, that's what I said. Um, now listen. Uh honestly, I'm more entertained than I've been in years, so I'm willing to uh lift the curse on dog boy over there. Um, we want the curse on dog boy. We want the dog. Mira, Mira. Yeah, that's the other reason I want to take the curse off, because I find your suffering to be very amusing.

SPEAKER_05 27:52

I have an idea for you, Evitt. Thor's gone right now. What if you raise your husband from the dead and the Britch Witch turns Thorne into a dog?

SPEAKER_07 28:00

I don't walk. I need Thorn to Britch Witch, do you know any necromancy?

SPEAKER_06 28:10

Uh only if it's pants-based.

SPEAKER_07 28:12

Nope, that won't do. I need Thorn. He's real good at raising up the dead.

SPEAKER_06 28:16

I I really specialize, you know, in the field of draw semancy.

SPEAKER_05 28:22

Okay. Before we get any further, I want to know, we solved Rufus' problem, everyone. The hero's hellplane solved Rufus' problem. The British which is gonna turn Rufus back. But now we have an even bigger problem with Mira and Thorn Nightshade.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

I think you need to go see one of those wizards, right? What were they called again?

SPEAKER_05 28:38

A neuromage? We get a neuromage.

unknown 28:41

Oh yes!

SPEAKER_05 28:42

It's a couple's neuromage. Okay, Thorne, how about we do this? Thorn? Thorn, get back in here! We hear you crying outside.

unknown 28:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 28:55

It's okay, I haven't done this in a while. Honey poop. Hey, honey poop. What? What do you want? I'm sorry. I it's just that time of the month, you know. I get very emotional. I miss my husband, and I just don't like how when we go into the graveyards, you're always comparing your Willy to the dead ones.

SPEAKER_08 29:24

It's hard!

SPEAKER_05 29:26

Well, I think that's a problem. Maybe it's not hard.

SPEAKER_08 29:29

It's hard always comparing yourself.

SPEAKER_07 29:33

Okay, well.

SPEAKER_06 29:34

I do have hand-based magic to take care of that.

SPEAKER_07 29:36

Oh, there we go. Thorne, how about we compromise? What do you need? If you take my dead husband's willie, I'll s be fine with you.

SPEAKER_08 29:52

That's that's all it's been.

SPEAKER_07 29:56

You just I'm not big enough for you.

SPEAKER_05 30:01

Listen, a dead one just has a different f- The Britch Witch also switches, so maybe the Britch Witch can switch the willy of the dead husband to Thorn.

SPEAKER_07 30:12

It's close enough to pants, isn't it, Britchwitch?

SPEAKER_05 30:15

And Britch Witch, it will make Thorn very upset.

SPEAKER_07 30:21

No no, Thorn, listen, listen.

SPEAKER_05 30:23

Mira will love it, Thorn will hate it.

SPEAKER_07 30:25

Thorne, you're sweet. I I lie okay. I lied, okay. I like your sexy voice. Can you do it for me, honey? Hi. Hi, Mira. Sorry. Yeah, call me your little corpse and how you tell me how you're gonna throw me around.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

You know, maybe we should get through a room at the the the sneering edge dog. I think that would be much more appropriate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:52

Um, I just have one thing to say. Someone's in the doghouse tonight.

SPEAKER_05 30:59

Alright. With that.

SPEAKER_06 31:01

You're keeping the curse now.

SPEAKER_05 31:02

Oh no.

unknown 31:04

No.

SPEAKER_05 31:04

You just ruined it for yourself, Rufus. No. You have a few options here, Amanda. We brought you into this. Do you want to switch to the Willy of Thorn and Mira's dead husband? Do you want to fix Rufus? The ball's in your court now. We can't do anything here.

SPEAKER_07 31:18

The balls are not with Rufus.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

Come here, Rufus.

SPEAKER_08 31:21

Oh, oh, oh. Yes, right there.

unknown 31:23

Right there.

SPEAKER_08 31:24

Hopefully the bigger balls are with me.

SPEAKER_05 31:27

I have no issues with that.

SPEAKER_08 31:28

It's just the Willy, honey.

SPEAKER_01 31:29

Oh yeah, he stopped by after you got to the water film.

SPEAKER_05 31:32

Yes, I I realized the dog walked in. I was thralled with Thorn and Mira. I can see.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah, we've been having a ball over here.

SPEAKER_05 31:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:38

Sorry, sorry. Don't say ball.

SPEAKER_06 31:41

Right, and I I I've enjoyed being pulled into this impromptu three-way, but unfortunately I do have a pair of boxer shorts in the oven I need to get back to, so. You know, just um make sure, dearies, that you don't pull one over on the bridge witch. The bridge witch will switch you with a lich and leave you in a ditch. I've always wanted to say that on radio.

SPEAKER_07 32:06

Thank you. Okay, Thor, we're doing this the old-fashioned way. I'll go get the sewing kit. No. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 32:14

On that note, I think uh just gonna shove these two out the door. No, no, no. I'm gonna just use a spell to get them the hell out of here. You're not a door!

SPEAKER_06 32:29

This is why pantsamancy is the true way.

SPEAKER_05 32:32

Look, my rhyme wasn't great, but it still got them the hell out of this room. Last time we pulled people off the street for the show. Oh.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

Yeah, you deserve so much better.

SPEAKER_05 32:44

They have the issues.

SPEAKER_03 32:45

Hey, Randy, can I have your pants?

SPEAKER_05 32:47

Okay, well, I guess. Lisette, did we solve any problems here tonight? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 32:53

Well, uh, you know what? I had fun. I don't I don't know about you, Rollin's, but uh at least it solved my boredom.

SPEAKER_05 32:59

Oh, I'm glad that solved that. We'll definitely have you back on the show. But I guess thanks to everyone else, it's a bit of ball. No, no, no, Rufus! Rufus! Rufus, no, Rufus! Drop it, oh okay. Bye everyone. See you next time on the Heroes Helpline. Thank you for listening to the Heroes Helpline. We got more help on the way. If you'd like to ask our heroes a question, email the HeroesHelpline at gmail.com. You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Blue Sky at theHeroes Helpline. Ronald the Randy Wizard was played by Joshua Baird Carroll. The Britch Witch was played by Jesse Anderson. Rufus was played by William Gunn. You can hear them all on The Natural Seven, a real play DD podcast where the characters take on a collaborative homebrewed world, The Great Red. A harsh world that the group will navigate in pursuit of powerful fallen stars. Join along to follow their struggles, stresses, and successes. Thorn was played by Kai Kelly. Mira was played by Jay Harameo. You can catch them both on Chambers of the Occult, a podcast exploring true crime and the paranormal with a touch of flair and mystery. Lissette Ember Dance was played by Katie Daro. Let's try in next week to hear another episode of The Heroes Helpline.